I write because I need to understand what love really is. I need to do it in order to carry on in a better way. I find myself drawn to women ever since I was child.
When we were children it was given a different name. We called it a crush. My first crush was my kindergarten teacher. She had long hair. That is all that I remember about her. I loved it when she passed by.
My second crush was actually with me in that same kindergarten. One day the teacher called my mom to ask about her engagement ring. You should have seen my mother’s face when she saw that ring on my second crush’s finger. I was influenced by what I saw in soap operas, I guess. I thought the ring was a manifestation of love. It took me years to understand that it definitely is not.
When I was in high school, I saw my next crush. She was taller than me and she had a warm smile. She loved dancing and Madonna. I loved thinking about her all the time. Later she found out about my feelings. She let me know about hers. She was neutral about “us” and the “possibility”. I remember that in the 8th or 9th grade I got to dance with her. It was one of my biggest moments in the high school era. Then I had to leave for the USA.
Before the USA there was another girl and she was a break-dancer. We met at a farewell party. Suddenly there was a magic between us two. We decided to call each other after the party. My mom was surprised to hear me speak in Russian because I never did at home.
There was a moment when I understood that this relationship is not going to go well because one year abroad is way too long. It was better to stop now rather than painfully delay the inevitable.
In the USA I had only one real crush. She was Ashley. She had blonde hair and her teeth were shining like my training career. Ashley was hard to target. She belonged to a cheerleading group. Those girls were the most adored group of girls in our high school. I danced my way to fame and Ashley noticed me. I never made my move. I never really did. She was waiting for it and she was so into it. I could see it in her eyes. But I was terrified of the idea of approaching. I ended up not doing it.
When I came back to my homeland, I decided to stay away from any potential girl that would…